Damn it!!

I am aggravated, frustrated, pissed off and then I read Kuan's blog and all these feelings just melted away. I know in my heart that when your around someone that is constantly cussing you out, screaming at you, and saying the most horrible things to you that it is THEIR sickness and it is nothing you have done. I have lived with this bullshit on a daily basis for almost 12 years now and I wonder how much more? The only thing that gets me through is knowing that one day it will not be like this. I will have my freedom on many different levels. Alot of my blogging is unloading all this shit to the wonderful people that read it. I thank you for listening and being supportive of me.

You Are The Sun

You represent the best of life - vitality, success, and and truth. You tend to have a strong, centered, balanced personality. Inspiration and discovery are your fortes. You are very mentally strong. A talented mind, you tend to excel at math, philosophy, and music. Your fortune: As well as you have done in the past, the future is going to be filled with more success. A new creative project is coming your way. Feed it, and it will grow into something huge. Great riches, recognition, prosperity, or happiness is coming your way. And it's possible that a fantastic vacation, or a new baby, is coming sooner than you think.

What Tarot Card Are You?

The Weeping Willow Part 2

Fulfillment adds fuel to a fire that has been smoldering for so long.
You came in and sparked that flame to a raging fire that is tormenting me.
Two people lost within the cement,
forgotten.
You were across from me,
glaring at the same walls,
the same sounds,
and a pain deep inside our chests that rose up through our throats,
choking our essence.
Our bodies touched again,
and all that pain, and loneliness was lost.
All I see is your face.
All I hear is your voice.
All I feel is you inside me.
All I want is you beside me.
You must go back to your life,
and I must go on pretending.
Here comes that lump in my throat,
choking,
heart wrenching....
I thought I heard you whisper "I love you".

Somewhere in time ( I need my head checked)

Oh I went and really done it this time! I had to watch a sappy movie starring the late Christopher Reeve. I love that man, I always have and I always will. I watched "Somewhere in time", which is the 2nd and last time I ever watch it. It's too heartbreaking, plus Christopher reminds me of Robbie somehow. I don't know what it is, maybe the way they smile, the sense of humor, the eyes....Oh my gosh, I don't know. All I know is that lately I have been thinking about Robbie and watching this movie validates that for me in some hidden, secret way. Plus I am stressed out (whats new), and I need a break. My kids are driving me crazy!! I am constantly at ends with them, and last night I found out that they prank called one of my neighbors that I cant stand! They called 3 times, but it was the last call that done it. My 9 year old (soon to be 10) called and did a Southpark impression, saying something like "suck my hairy balls" in a southpark sort of voice! At the time I found out I was pissed, but as time has went on I now find this pretty damn funny. I will never admit that to them, but between whoever is reading this, I find it funny as hell!! I will be glad to see school start, this Monday. YEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Mid-Life Crisis?

Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at 35? I think so, because I have gotten to the point in my life that I am ready for changes. I'm not trying to be selfish, but its high time for ME! I have lived my life for everyone but me and its taken its' toll. I think it is safe to be powerful in a loving way towards others and myself. I try to live this way but it seems that there is someone that insists on pulling me down. I know that this person is toxic to my soul, but right now I don't see any doors opening to step through and make things different. I have prayed on this repeatedly and apparently this is the way it is for now. I do however feel that a change is coming, and I need to be patient, let things stand as they are until further notice. I trust in this and my faith seems to carry me daily. I have put my focus on my daughters, which is extremely important. My 9 year old is going through some intense emotions right now and she needs my undivided attention. Thank goodness school is starting soon! Rountine is the key to my girls' mental health. It is for me too!
Joy, Kuan, good things are going to happen for us. I know it. I feel it. I think its our turn to be happy. All the struggles that we have endured has prepared us for the greatness we so deserve. For now we must remain steadfast and have faith. I love you guys with all my heart and soul. I just want you two to know that.
Its so nice to be writing again. I don't know what happened to be honest... I just got distracted from all the bull shit here at home. I need this blog and I need imput from my friends. And likewise, I got your back as well!!

The dead has risen

This is totally amazing. I am alive!!! And boy do I feel ashamed. The truth is I got hooked on myspace and completely forgot about my writing. Kuan you are going to be shocked and awed. But for now I want my readers to know (I have so many of them!!)(yea right) that I am still here and I will write more when i get my thoughts together.

23 days huh?

Paris Hilton, you went and done it anyway. You coped out. You couldn't even do 23 days. I had already planned on giving some credit where credit was due, but you showed the world that you really are a stupid bitch. Britney Spears, Lindsy Lohan, and you Paris Hilton, stop getting fucked up for the world to see, it doesn't become you, or me for that matter, or anyone, but exspecially you. It's not like I'm trying to judge anyone because I know first hand that on occasion we make bad choices and sometimes those choices wind us in jail for a spell!! Paris, you couldn't even step up to the plate and do 23 measly days. I am so glad I am not you.

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Life is precious

I know I need to write, but lately I've been having a block. It's all in my head, I just can't get it out. I'm going to do my best here.
My kids get out of school on June 8, and you might be thinking "Oh gosh, I'm going to dread this", however I am thinking "WOO-HOO"!! I don't have to deal with:
1. Morning drama, which includes crying, and bitterness about having to get up to get ready for school
2. Taking forever to brush your teeth b/c it makes you gag
3. Also taking forever to get ready in general
4. And last but not least, being pissed at me for upholding the routine, day after freakin day, b/c we have a damn schedule to keep!
So therefore I am gitty about not dealing with the getting ready for school routine for 3 months.
I do have other things to keep me plenty pissed though. Neighbors. I live in a trailer park (which is not that bad for awhile till we get house). So not only do I live in a trailer park, I have daughters 9 & 6, so does almost everyone else. To top it off the mothers of these annoying "wonderful" children are absolute bitches! I have confronted 2 of em and 2 more in line! I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am more of a woman and mother that all 4 of them put together, and my daughters just so happen to be cool as hell! They don't annoy anyone else except me, and that's all that matters. What I've had to deal with are cat-killin bastards and head lice. I have more than reached my boiling point with these dumbasses. I'm not going to be here forever unlike them(and they don't care) but until then they're not going to fuck with me and my girls without some sort of reaction from me. It all started when one of them killed 4 of my outside cats and then about 3 weeks ago I ended up with 3 kittens b/c their mama had them under someone else's trailer and those bastards somehow "disposed" of her, thus they call on me to come and get them since they belong to me(by default perhaps?) Well you sick bastards one of them died in my arms Saturday morning, and for those 30 minutes that he suffered all I could think about is how can people be so cruel and exist? They live and breath among us sometimes you can tell right off, others they'll do dumb shit to reveal their evil. I got all these thoughts running through my mind, but all the while knowing there is a God and He's "got this". I was going to bash my neighbors' head in until I wrapped "little hat" in a Kurt Cobain t-shirt that said among many things:
1. love yourself
2. love your children
3. love your neighbor
I let it go.

Separateness

You know I've mentioned before about the "rut" I've been in lately and I have really been praying to God over it. Slowly but surely He is revealing ways to me to lift the burden and the heaviness that pulls me down. I think a alot of what I go through is guilt and worry. It seems the only thing that brightens me are my children. No matter what, they have done nothing to deserve my rollercoaster moods and in order to change I need to keep that in mind at all times. As you can see I really beat myself up over stuff and truth be known, I am a very good mother and being able to write this all down truely helps as well.

Onto other stuff: I am having a blast with this myspace thing. I didn't think I would either. However, I am meeting new people and its cool as hell!! Nothing more, nothing less, just all on the level and did I mention FUN!!! Count down to the beach is on. 24 days and counting!!! Need I say anymore.

A Happy Mothers Day

I'm on the happy train again! It's not the happiest train, but it will do. These feelings are choices, right? But I'm thinking that emotions come in waves. Whether we realize it or not, we are feeling other peoples' shit! I have been praying to God and the angels to get me out of this rut I have been in for about 4 months. Right now I am peering over the edge and into the light and I think everything is going to be okay. I'm going to the beach next month and I am so freakin excited about it!! We are going to Gulfshores, Alabama, the gulf of Mexico in all its wonder and vastness. I swear in a past life I lived on a island somewhere, because when I'm at the beach I am at peace...with everything. I look forward to sitting on the beach early in the morning, all by myself, just staring out into the ocean. I love the smells and I just feel closer to God when I'm sitting by the ocean. I have been through so much shit in the last 4 years, the jail and all the problems Tony and I have had, and being away from my children, I so desperately need this retreat.
I do have a good life and I know that I have written on this blog that my husband is a bastard and so forth and so on...Tony is a good man and if you look at our history together you will find that it is I that has done shit and not him, but this man is so hard to live with and it takes everything in me not to "go all out up in my house" on his ass! He is 11 years older than me and he like to be some one's "daddy". That is all I am going to say about this.
On a brighter note, I have a myspace now. Didn't think I would ever do it because I am not a myspace kind of gal, but I did and a friend helped me out with it and I love it now. I got some really awesome pictures on it that mean the world to me.
My kittens are 2 months old and holy schnykie are they something else. There are 3 black ones (boys) and 2 girls which turns out they are called tortoise shell cats. They are so cool and they have been my little buddies lately and when 4 of them go I'm going to be very sad. Kendell decided early on that we were keeping one of the girl cats. As it was coming out she said "that's the one I want". The rest is history. I do have some advice though, only take in a pregnant cat if you have a barn out back.
And on a even brighter note, today is my nannies birthday. Happy Birthday Nanny!! I love you with all my soul.

Sunday Morning

What a beautiful sunday morning. It has finally stopped raining, and everything is crisp and clear. My house is finally clean (for the moment) and that is a good feeling. I had a decent birthday, its not so bad turning 35, hell I still get carded for cigarettes, so I can't complain. I'm going to my sisters' house for a cook-out later and spend time with her family and eat lots o' food!!! All in all, a nice weekend.

Soon to be a birthday girl

My birthday is tomorrow and at the moment I'm not too thrilled about this. It's really no big deal, I'll be 35 but as far as accomplishments are concerned, I'm not really seeing them. Don't get me wrong I have 3 beautiful daughters and they are really awesome, its just that my life has been one thing after another and I'm not that happy. I know I could be and I know how to be but sometimes I feel I don't deserve it. (I'm getting my pity-potty warm) I need to stop this fucked-up thinking, because one day damn it I will find happiness and that sort of love I've been searching for my whole life. That is called faith and I'm full of that.

Me and mama-cat had it out this morning and now I'm feeling very guilty. I have to keep refreshing my memory as to what she did to begin with and its the 2nd time she has done this. She tore up over half a loaf of bread this morning, and that crap is bad. Bad kitty, bad, bad kitty. Also I let her in to have her litter 6 weeks ago and these things are wild! They are the most playful kittens I've ever seen in my life! I'm also trying to get them litter box trained and that is unbelievable. For the most part they are doing good but then other times they are not. This morning I woke up to 2 piles of shit on my couch and a loaf of bread destroyed. I threw mama-cat out the door and into the yard. I literally threw her like a football with all my strength and anger. I don't do stuff like that, what in the hell is wrong with me? I'm a good person, with a good heart, why am I going crazy inside? There are 2 words to sum up my actions: plausible deniability.

Life in general

I know it's been awhile since I last posted...been a lot of chaos lately. The only thing different this time is that I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and not get that lasting ring around my ass from sitting on the pity-pot. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I am doomed. So for now I'm just a girl about to pull her hair out but I'm very grateful for it! Jeez, never a dull moment! On the brighter side, I got 5 beautiful little kittens that are a treat to watch. I know that it will be over soon but in the meantime I have enjoyed being around these things. Their so cute you just want to eat them up!! I held one up last night and put it eye level with my face and it gave me the sweetest look that I about cried. So yea, this is going to be a little heart breaking. But then again maybe not because 3 of em like to crap and pee in my floor, and that shit got old the first time! Other than that life if sweet!

Your Love Quote

Death can not stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while.

What Love Quote Suits You?

Beautiful Friend

I had a really great conversation last night that has me feeling a little high. The natural one too....that leaves your heart full. With all the crazyness at Va Tech and my unhappiness at home, you made my night. I hope with everything in me you feel the same. We have had some beautiful talks via computer and you have a sexy voice and its setting me on fire and I thank you for it. I don't know what the future holds but life has always had a way of pleasantly surprising me. I pray you read this and that your cheeks are glowing. You put a smile on my face and I really needed it. Mark my words...one day we will stand face to face.

Please Pray

I know I need to write about this or I'll go crazy inside. I already am....and so is Virginia. The Hokies are my favorite college football team, and we are some die hard Hokie fans around here. I feel so bad for the other students that had to witness this mayhem, this war. And now the families....Everyone that died was their time to go but it is so sad....we're left behind with these feelings and the images. On my t.v. there is nothing but this, locally(for us) and national. Nobody still knows who this was. As far as I'm concerned it was a demon from the pits of hell. And why didn't Va. Tech close down the school when the first shootings happenend?? More and more students are coming out doing interviews and telling what happened in their classes. I know God has a reason for this but I don't see it right now. I know that I'm not alone in this reasoning. This has tore our community up, but people are coming together and bonding as best they can. I'm not sure if this will sink in, it's just so hard to believe. As the days pass, more people that were there are telling stories. Soon there will be names with the faces of the dead.

Spring Break

For my fans out there I am so sorry I haven't written in awhile. I've been real busy on the road, signing autographs, and well me and Brad Pitt we like to do our thing, every minute of the day 7x a day. Damn that boy puts a hurting on me!! (nudge, nudge, "time to wake up Cathy" "Fuck you I don't won't to wake up, NEVER!!!"
Okay really I've been doing the family thing plus the kids have been out for spring break. It has been real nice being with my girls, all 3 of em. The next time I bitch about my life being shit and that I haven't amounted to nothing, I need to look at my daughters and shut the fuck up. They are awesome and yet they drive me crazy and all the way to the loony bin. My middle girl screamed at me the other day claiming that she didn't won't to be a virgin, yet she has no clue what that is and her oldest sister is laughing her ass off the entire time at the situation. "She doesn't won't to be a virgin!!!!Ha,ha,ha!!" All I can think to myself is "oh dear God what have I done?!!" Well thank the dear Lord for my little baby bug that can do no wrong in my eyes, mommy loves you so much!! All this other business started when Kendell(the don't won't to be virgin) got into her daddy's little black safe, that he forgot to lock. (What a dumb ass) He keeps his dirty mags in there and little miss thing looked at them. She said that the girl looked injured down there!!! And the guys wee-wee was standing up straight!! LMAO!!!!! If there are any mothers out there reading this, there does come a time when something like this happens. They see something somewhere that effects them and their view on the world. It's also safe to say that she doesn't look at daddy the same which I find very justifying. But other than that its been a nice spring break so far and I am enjoying reading everyone's kick ass blogs!!!

Your Vampire Name Is...

Angelique of Persia

What's Your Vampire Name?

1:00 am and restless

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I've been in a serious rut and for some odd reason I see no end in sight. I'm stressed out and the root of it all is "the husband". It's obvious from my previous blogs that we ain't a happy couple. And the question I ask myself is "Why am I still with him"? Well the answer is, and yes it is mughty fucked up but I'm still with him because I want him to feel miserable like me on a daily basis, or until something better comes along. Winning the lottery would be real nice about now, but until then, suffer mother fucker.

In the meantime I have been reading some awesome blogs!! I'm so impressed and grateful for this. You people make me laugh and sigh with admiration. I truely know deep in my heart that I am not alone. But is there anyone out there that hates Rosie O'donnel as much as I do? Please let me know because that bitch is on the nerve. Somehow she decided that what she had to say was valid. I got news for her, she doesn't have a clue about jack shit and I'm getting real sick and tired of "Rosie sayed this, or Rosie sayed that. Fuck you bitch and die. I feel better already!!

This is a short post but I wanted to write a little tonight and get some stuff off my chest. I promise my next post will be happier and pleasant. Until then, happy reading.

You Are A Poplar Tree

People tend to look up to you, and it's a bit lonely at the top. Inside, you are not always self confident, but you show great courage. Mature and organized, you are reliable in any situation. You tend to have an artistic or philosophical outlook on life. You are very choosy in love and take partnership seriously.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

The Weeping Willow

I'm completely captivated
by your sensual touch
by the way you look at me
by the way you kiss me
the way your tounge slow dances and lingers
on my tounge

I've waited all my life for you
I've almost lost hope, set to be miserable
lost in my agony, forever damned.

And so here you are like a fairytale dream....
Where were you all along?
Waiting playfully, knowingly in the shadows of my dreams?

Deep is my heart.
Deep is my love for you,
everlasting is my passion.
Fulfillment is yours to embrace.
These words are only meant for you,
it has been locked away, sacred in my soul.
You truely mean so much to me and you know who you are,
now come and find me.

Love Letter

Dear husband(A.K.A.)dickface,
Here we are going on 11 years together and I gotta tell ya that I'm more miserable now with you than I ever have been. It's because I'm older and I thought wiser but apparently not because I'm still with you. Do you remember when I left you back in September? I'm sure you do because you remind me of your pain on a daily basis. Well I kept a journal then and I wrote down everything at that time and today I was reading it and I swore then I would never go back to you. Someone would have to drag my dead corspe back to you or that's right, you took my daughters away so I had to come back. I thought maybe I could be real and make this work. I even married you to seal the deal or my fate for that matter. BUT here we are and everything is shit again. I have to beg you for cigarette money, I'm having to beg you for a $100 to get my license back, but you ain't budging are you? And during all of this, your being warned. I am sick and tired of you treating me like a child, controlling me, and forcing your will upon me. Those things right there have made my heart cold towards you and very few people understand this. Why do you have to be like this? Why do you have to make me hate you when all I want to do is love you? You won't let me love you. And through all of this, I have no regrets. (I understand that now Joy)because when I finally meet that man that breaks the foundation I stand on, then I can thank you for all the mistakes I won't make with him.
Love, your wife

What a bloody mess

I find myself overwhelmed this week due to enormous amounts of clutter that has accumlated over the last (I don't know) 100 years!! Where this shit comes from I have no idea, but I can tell you that I feel the ancient rage starting from my toes and slowly working it's way up through every cell of my body until I snap like a dry twig and I burn the fucking shoebox down!! Oh yes you heard me right. Hi my name is Cathy and I live in a trailer, well lets just say a single wide home that is trying to house 2 adults, 2 children(girls) and 8 fucking cats and I don't know how that shit happened I swear that last week I had 3 cats. Then all the sudden mama cat runs in my "home" with a kitten half hanging out of her "private kitty parts" and dashed directly under my bed. Several hours later, I am the proud keeper of 5 furry little cute black kittens. I had to move the little bastards yesterday because as far as extensive cleaning, that was a good place to start. I pull the bed out and dear God have mercy on me! How stupid am I? I mean really you have to have some common sense in this world and I displayed none when I let mama-cat dash in. It looks like a murder took place under my bed. Simply put someone was brutality murder under my bed and thus 5 kittens were born.

Briana, Kendell and Cayla

I want to write about my 3 daughters. Briana is 15 and she is all me! Her daddy died when she was 1 and she looks like him. She has my eyes though. I was 18 when I had her and scared to death! She was the cutest and sweetest baby in the whole world and she melted her daddy's heart. It was love at first sight for the both of us. Everything was going real good for us until we found out he had cancer, then our world crumbled. It was real tough that year taking care of a baby and your sick boyfriend. I don't know how Robbie did it. I don't think I would have been able to handle that. It's been 14 years since he died. Damn that's a long time! Sometimes it seems like a dream. I did all I could do at that time and if I had to do it over I would. I loved him and I always will. So I have to watch Briana grow trying to find glimpes of Robbie and it isn't hard. He is everywhere. Her features, her hair and even the way she walks. He has to be proud of her. She is a good kid and real street smart. You gotta have that in this mean and evil world. It's a major reality check with my girls. I am constantly humbled by them. I feel like I am so tuned in to them. Not only are they my flesh and blood, they are my best friends. Let me move on to child #2. Her name is Kendell and she is 9. She is beautiful and very spiritual. She's really the one who puts me in my place. We go head to head almost everyday over anything. I know that I'm toast when she gets to be 13. Bring it on!! My girls are going to have respect for themselves and others. I demand that shit because I get sick and tired of seeing spoiled, rotten kids who do nothing but get thier own way. You have to be on your toes in this world, I can't say it enough. Now onto child #3. Her name is Cayla and she is 6. Cayla is my baby bug. That child is all heart and soul. She is completely different from the other 2. She is quiet and still. She has beautiful features as well. She is the quiet one in her class. I am so proud of my girls. I hope they find the man of thier dreams and can experience that kind of earth shattering love. That is the best feeling in the whole world, nothing can touch that.

Blue Sky

I am the constant one because I am the change itself. Everything happens around me, and I watch things as they come and go. My body, mind are meant to work together. I change everything by not changing. I am the only safe place to hide when it rains.

I love my best friend

Okay the fairy picture is just plain creepy!! And I don't mean that in a bad way. My best friend and I have known each since we were 14. I am now 35. She helped me with this blog because I don't know shit about computers. All I know to do is write and maybe read your blog. The picture at the bottom of this page is in fact me and her. You would have to know us to understand. Joy if you are reading this, thank you for getting this started, it really means a lot to me.

My Lust Sign