My birthday is tomorrow and at the moment I'm not too thrilled about this. It's really no big deal, I'll be 35 but as far as accomplishments are concerned, I'm not really seeing them. Don't get me wrong I have 3 beautiful daughters and they are really awesome, its just that my life has been one thing after another and I'm not that happy. I know I could be and I know how to be but sometimes I feel I don't deserve it. (I'm getting my pity-potty warm) I need to stop this fucked-up thinking, because one day damn it I will find happiness and that sort of love I've been searching for my whole life. That is called faith and I'm full of that.
Me and mama-cat had it out this morning and now I'm feeling very guilty. I have to keep refreshing my memory as to what she did to begin with and its the 2nd time she has done this. She tore up over half a loaf of bread this morning, and that crap is bad. Bad kitty, bad, bad kitty. Also I let her in to have her litter 6 weeks ago and these things are wild! They are the most playful kittens I've ever seen in my life! I'm also trying to get them litter box trained and that is unbelievable. For the most part they are doing good but then other times they are not. This morning I woke up to 2 piles of shit on my couch and a loaf of bread destroyed. I threw mama-cat out the door and into the yard. I literally threw her like a football with all my strength and anger. I don't do stuff like that, what in the hell is wrong with me? I'm a good person, with a good heart, why am I going crazy inside? There are 2 words to sum up my actions: plausible deniability.
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Its always harder to be the at home mom Cat. Its a lot easier to go out and work and have a day full of nothing but business to detach you from the problems or issues that you feel arent getting settled at home. Those little things that make you unhappy are erased from your mind for most of 8 hours a day. And knowing the kind of crap you have to listen to sometimes I dont wonder at all why you get to those low points sometimes, I get there a bit myself.
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