| Your Brain's Pattern |
 You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination. |
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Life is precious
I know I need to write, but lately I've been having a block. It's all in my head, I just can't get it out. I'm going to do my best here.
My kids get out of school on June 8, and you might be thinking "Oh gosh, I'm going to dread this", however I am thinking "WOO-HOO"!! I don't have to deal with:
1. Morning drama, which includes crying, and bitterness about having to get up to get ready for school
2. Taking forever to brush your teeth b/c it makes you gag
3. Also taking forever to get ready in general
4. And last but not least, being pissed at me for upholding the routine, day after freakin day, b/c we have a damn schedule to keep!
So therefore I am gitty about not dealing with the getting ready for school routine for 3 months.
I do have other things to keep me plenty pissed though. Neighbors. I live in a trailer park (which is not that bad for awhile till we get house). So not only do I live in a trailer park, I have daughters 9 & 6, so does almost everyone else. To top it off the mothers of these annoying "wonderful" children are absolute bitches! I have confronted 2 of em and 2 more in line! I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am more of a woman and mother that all 4 of them put together, and my daughters just so happen to be cool as hell! They don't annoy anyone else except me, and that's all that matters. What I've had to deal with are cat-killin bastards and head lice. I have more than reached my boiling point with these dumbasses. I'm not going to be here forever unlike them(and they don't care) but until then they're not going to fuck with me and my girls without some sort of reaction from me. It all started when one of them killed 4 of my outside cats and then about 3 weeks ago I ended up with 3 kittens b/c their mama had them under someone else's trailer and those bastards somehow "disposed" of her, thus they call on me to come and get them since they belong to me(by default perhaps?) Well you sick bastards one of them died in my arms Saturday morning, and for those 30 minutes that he suffered all I could think about is how can people be so cruel and exist? They live and breath among us sometimes you can tell right off, others they'll do dumb shit to reveal their evil. I got all these thoughts running through my mind, but all the while knowing there is a God and He's "got this". I was going to bash my neighbors' head in until I wrapped "little hat" in a Kurt Cobain t-shirt that said among many things:
1. love yourself
2. love your children
3. love your neighbor
I let it go.
My kids get out of school on June 8, and you might be thinking "Oh gosh, I'm going to dread this", however I am thinking "WOO-HOO"!! I don't have to deal with:
1. Morning drama, which includes crying, and bitterness about having to get up to get ready for school
2. Taking forever to brush your teeth b/c it makes you gag
3. Also taking forever to get ready in general
4. And last but not least, being pissed at me for upholding the routine, day after freakin day, b/c we have a damn schedule to keep!
So therefore I am gitty about not dealing with the getting ready for school routine for 3 months.
I do have other things to keep me plenty pissed though. Neighbors. I live in a trailer park (which is not that bad for awhile till we get house). So not only do I live in a trailer park, I have daughters 9 & 6, so does almost everyone else. To top it off the mothers of these annoying "wonderful" children are absolute bitches! I have confronted 2 of em and 2 more in line! I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am more of a woman and mother that all 4 of them put together, and my daughters just so happen to be cool as hell! They don't annoy anyone else except me, and that's all that matters. What I've had to deal with are cat-killin bastards and head lice. I have more than reached my boiling point with these dumbasses. I'm not going to be here forever unlike them(and they don't care) but until then they're not going to fuck with me and my girls without some sort of reaction from me. It all started when one of them killed 4 of my outside cats and then about 3 weeks ago I ended up with 3 kittens b/c their mama had them under someone else's trailer and those bastards somehow "disposed" of her, thus they call on me to come and get them since they belong to me(by default perhaps?) Well you sick bastards one of them died in my arms Saturday morning, and for those 30 minutes that he suffered all I could think about is how can people be so cruel and exist? They live and breath among us sometimes you can tell right off, others they'll do dumb shit to reveal their evil. I got all these thoughts running through my mind, but all the while knowing there is a God and He's "got this". I was going to bash my neighbors' head in until I wrapped "little hat" in a Kurt Cobain t-shirt that said among many things:
1. love yourself
2. love your children
3. love your neighbor
I let it go.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Separateness
You know I've mentioned before about the "rut" I've been in lately and I have really been praying to God over it. Slowly but surely He is revealing ways to me to lift the burden and the heaviness that pulls me down. I think a alot of what I go through is guilt and worry. It seems the only thing that brightens me are my children. No matter what, they have done nothing to deserve my rollercoaster moods and in order to change I need to keep that in mind at all times. As you can see I really beat myself up over stuff and truth be known, I am a very good mother and being able to write this all down truely helps as well.
Onto other stuff: I am having a blast with this myspace thing. I didn't think I would either. However, I am meeting new people and its cool as hell!! Nothing more, nothing less, just all on the level and did I mention FUN!!! Count down to the beach is on. 24 days and counting!!! Need I say anymore.
Onto other stuff: I am having a blast with this myspace thing. I didn't think I would either. However, I am meeting new people and its cool as hell!! Nothing more, nothing less, just all on the level and did I mention FUN!!! Count down to the beach is on. 24 days and counting!!! Need I say anymore.
Monday, May 14, 2007
A Happy Mothers Day
I'm on the happy train again! It's not the happiest train, but it will do. These feelings are choices, right? But I'm thinking that emotions come in waves. Whether we realize it or not, we are feeling other peoples' shit! I have been praying to God and the angels to get me out of this rut I have been in for about 4 months. Right now I am peering over the edge and into the light and I think everything is going to be okay. I'm going to the beach next month and I am so freakin excited about it!! We are going to Gulfshores, Alabama, the gulf of Mexico in all its wonder and vastness. I swear in a past life I lived on a island somewhere, because when I'm at the beach I am at peace...with everything. I look forward to sitting on the beach early in the morning, all by myself, just staring out into the ocean. I love the smells and I just feel closer to God when I'm sitting by the ocean. I have been through so much shit in the last 4 years, the jail and all the problems Tony and I have had, and being away from my children, I so desperately need this retreat.
I do have a good life and I know that I have written on this blog that my husband is a bastard and so forth and so on...Tony is a good man and if you look at our history together you will find that it is I that has done shit and not him, but this man is so hard to live with and it takes everything in me not to "go all out up in my house" on his ass! He is 11 years older than me and he like to be some one's "daddy". That is all I am going to say about this.
On a brighter note, I have a myspace now. Didn't think I would ever do it because I am not a myspace kind of gal, but I did and a friend helped me out with it and I love it now. I got some really awesome pictures on it that mean the world to me.
My kittens are 2 months old and holy schnykie are they something else. There are 3 black ones (boys) and 2 girls which turns out they are called tortoise shell cats. They are so cool and they have been my little buddies lately and when 4 of them go I'm going to be very sad. Kendell decided early on that we were keeping one of the girl cats. As it was coming out she said "that's the one I want". The rest is history. I do have some advice though, only take in a pregnant cat if you have a barn out back.
And on a even brighter note, today is my nannies birthday. Happy Birthday Nanny!! I love you with all my soul.
I do have a good life and I know that I have written on this blog that my husband is a bastard and so forth and so on...Tony is a good man and if you look at our history together you will find that it is I that has done shit and not him, but this man is so hard to live with and it takes everything in me not to "go all out up in my house" on his ass! He is 11 years older than me and he like to be some one's "daddy". That is all I am going to say about this.
On a brighter note, I have a myspace now. Didn't think I would ever do it because I am not a myspace kind of gal, but I did and a friend helped me out with it and I love it now. I got some really awesome pictures on it that mean the world to me.
My kittens are 2 months old and holy schnykie are they something else. There are 3 black ones (boys) and 2 girls which turns out they are called tortoise shell cats. They are so cool and they have been my little buddies lately and when 4 of them go I'm going to be very sad. Kendell decided early on that we were keeping one of the girl cats. As it was coming out she said "that's the one I want". The rest is history. I do have some advice though, only take in a pregnant cat if you have a barn out back.
And on a even brighter note, today is my nannies birthday. Happy Birthday Nanny!! I love you with all my soul.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Sunday Morning
What a beautiful sunday morning. It has finally stopped raining, and everything is crisp and clear. My house is finally clean (for the moment) and that is a good feeling. I had a decent birthday, its not so bad turning 35, hell I still get carded for cigarettes, so I can't complain. I'm going to my sisters' house for a cook-out later and spend time with her family and eat lots o' food!!! All in all, a nice weekend.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Soon to be a birthday girl
My birthday is tomorrow and at the moment I'm not too thrilled about this. It's really no big deal, I'll be 35 but as far as accomplishments are concerned, I'm not really seeing them. Don't get me wrong I have 3 beautiful daughters and they are really awesome, its just that my life has been one thing after another and I'm not that happy. I know I could be and I know how to be but sometimes I feel I don't deserve it. (I'm getting my pity-potty warm) I need to stop this fucked-up thinking, because one day damn it I will find happiness and that sort of love I've been searching for my whole life. That is called faith and I'm full of that.
Me and mama-cat had it out this morning and now I'm feeling very guilty. I have to keep refreshing my memory as to what she did to begin with and its the 2nd time she has done this. She tore up over half a loaf of bread this morning, and that crap is bad. Bad kitty, bad, bad kitty. Also I let her in to have her litter 6 weeks ago and these things are wild! They are the most playful kittens I've ever seen in my life! I'm also trying to get them litter box trained and that is unbelievable. For the most part they are doing good but then other times they are not. This morning I woke up to 2 piles of shit on my couch and a loaf of bread destroyed. I threw mama-cat out the door and into the yard. I literally threw her like a football with all my strength and anger. I don't do stuff like that, what in the hell is wrong with me? I'm a good person, with a good heart, why am I going crazy inside? There are 2 words to sum up my actions: plausible deniability.
Me and mama-cat had it out this morning and now I'm feeling very guilty. I have to keep refreshing my memory as to what she did to begin with and its the 2nd time she has done this. She tore up over half a loaf of bread this morning, and that crap is bad. Bad kitty, bad, bad kitty. Also I let her in to have her litter 6 weeks ago and these things are wild! They are the most playful kittens I've ever seen in my life! I'm also trying to get them litter box trained and that is unbelievable. For the most part they are doing good but then other times they are not. This morning I woke up to 2 piles of shit on my couch and a loaf of bread destroyed. I threw mama-cat out the door and into the yard. I literally threw her like a football with all my strength and anger. I don't do stuff like that, what in the hell is wrong with me? I'm a good person, with a good heart, why am I going crazy inside? There are 2 words to sum up my actions: plausible deniability.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Life in general
I know it's been awhile since I last posted...been a lot of chaos lately. The only thing different this time is that I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and not get that lasting ring around my ass from sitting on the pity-pot. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I am doomed. So for now I'm just a girl about to pull her hair out but I'm very grateful for it! Jeez, never a dull moment! On the brighter side, I got 5 beautiful little kittens that are a treat to watch. I know that it will be over soon but in the meantime I have enjoyed being around these things. Their so cute you just want to eat them up!! I held one up last night and put it eye level with my face and it gave me the sweetest look that I about cried. So yea, this is going to be a little heart breaking. But then again maybe not because 3 of em like to crap and pee in my floor, and that shit got old the first time! Other than that life if sweet!
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